She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

Santa
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering all the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee with a shot of whiskey.

He went to the cupboard and discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink but coffee.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found a stump, the mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas Santa. Isnt it just a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

-A GOOD EXCUSE-

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

? Forgetful ?

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Dog For Sale

A guy is driving and he sees a sign:

Talking Dog for Sale

He stops & the owner says hes in
the back.

He sees a nice looking Lab sitting there. You talk?

Yep. After the guy recovers he says What's your story?
Well, I found I could talk & wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. They put me in the Marines. I was in rooms world leaders, as a spy! Now Im retired.
The guys amazed. He asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

10 Dollars.

This dog is amazing! Why so cheap?'

He's a liar! Never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!

MUSICIANS

Q: How do you know when there's a singer at your door?
A: Can't find the key- doesn't know when to come in!

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

--SHOPPING--

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when hercell phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

THE MOB'S DEAF BOOKKEEPER

The Mob Boss finds out that his bookkeeper stole $10,000,000.
He got the job because hes deaf, & would hear nothing to testify about.
The Boss confronts him about his money & takes his lawyer who knows sign language.

"Ask him where the money is."
Using sign language, the lawyer asks &

hesigns back, "I don't know what youre talking about."

The lawyer tells the Boss, so he puts a gun to his head & says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell.

The bookkeeper signs, "You win! The money is in a case,

buried behind the shed in my yard!"

The Boss asks, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

10 Husbands,

Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

--Spaghetti--

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

--A Mother at 65!--

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

--Brain Transplant--

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.

But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.

"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

--A Short Time to Live--

A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

--Redneck Logic--

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, ain't ya?"

--Bad News 2--

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

-- Male assertiveness--

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

--Tail Light On Bike--

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

--2 Drunk Guys--

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.


Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The McCarty twins are drunk again.

--I'm not drunk--

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had
all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

__Bar Chat-up__

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

--Bar Joke--

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.

Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.

Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.

The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

--3 Shots of Whiskey--

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh,

I decided to stop drinking."

--All Lawyers are Assholes--

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

--Punishment--

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

--State Of The Art Watch--

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

The Buffalo Theory
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

--A Child's Prayer--

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma And ESPECIALLY Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy

And ESPECIALLY Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy And ESPECIALLY Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants.

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found The Milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

--Assassin Interview--

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said. "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then youre not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I cant kill my wife."

The agent replies "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

--Job Interview--

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

--A Good Morning For Shopping--

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when hercell phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

--Electric Train-- (Ah, kids)--

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

--Low Sperm Count--

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

--Doing It In The Dark--

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark.

Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.

"Honey, let me explain." he pleaded.

"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected,
"Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!!"

--The Goodnight Kiss--

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.."

--50 Year Old Nightie--
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

--Easily Explained--
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

--God's Gifts--
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"Its a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! Id love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. Itd be so great. When Im working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. Itd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didnt mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "Whats left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

--Temptation--
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then I turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms

in your car!

After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Thefour Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner, on July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry

Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his

office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air-conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited

them back to the office, where he offeredthem $3 million for the patent.

The brothersrefused, saying they would

settle for $2 million, butthey wanted the recognition by having a label, The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little annoyed, "Ford" was the only family name going on his cars! So there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two

hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -"Lo, Norm, Hi, andMax" on the controls.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven says the senator.''

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted."

--Divorced Barbie--
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?
The salesperson answers, Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco
Barbie for 19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.
The amazed father asks: It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I wake up late, and by the time I get to my office, my boss is outraged & fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it's stolen. The police said they can't do anything.

I get a cab to return home, and as I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in my stolen car. The cab driver is really pissed off"

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I leave and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life...

you show up and drink my poison."

"Cannibal Food"
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

"I know! I know! Ba-doom-boom-Tish!"

--Mac--

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

-- Mae West

"You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

--Michael Jordan--

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

(Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance it is the illusion of knowledge.-- Stephen Hawking That old law about An eye for an eye Leaves everybody blind. The time is always right, to do the right thing.

Martin Luthern-- King, Jr.--

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way

So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

--Mac--

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

I went to the gun shop for more ammunitionback in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop doin it then!"

PLUS

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

2. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

3. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

4. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

5. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

6. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

GOD IS SITTING IN HEAVEN, WHEN A SCIENTIST SAYS TO HIM, LORD, WE DONT NEED YOU ANYMORE. SCIENCE HAS FINALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY TO CREATE LIFE OUT OF NOTHING. IN OTHER WORDS, WE CAN NOW DO WHAT YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING!

OH, IS THAT SO? TELL ME REPLIES GOD.

WELL, SAYS THE SCIENTIST, WE CAN TAKE DIRT AND FORM IT INTO THE LIKENESS OF YOU, AND BREATHE LIFE INTO IT, THUS CREATING MAN.

WELL, THATS INTERESTING. SHOW ME.

SO THE SCIENTIST BENDS DOWN TO THE EARTH, AND STARTS TO MOLD THE SOIL.

OH, NO, NO ,NO INTERRUPTS GOD

GET YOUR OWN DIRT.

Subject: 6th grade
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
Roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

-- Horse flies --

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper the trooper.

The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around, to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he wrote the ticket, he kept swatting at some flies that werebuzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, " yeah, if that's what they are... but, never heard of circle flies bud...."

So the farmer says, " Well, circle flies are common on farms.

See...theyre called circle flies because theyre, almost always, found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, " yeahright! " and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey! Wait a minute... are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no!Officer, I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though."

IF YOU ARE UNSURE WHERE TO GO, INCAPABLE OF NORMAL SPEECH OR UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE HERE,
OUR WELCOME WITCH WILL BE PLEASED TO HELP.

-- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Subject: Musical humor
C, E-flat, & G go into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, E-flat leaves. The C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Eventually, the C sobers up, & realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty & sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing,
he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph.
The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
She says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And he's a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
She pushes her luck. "I want the house," she says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," she continues.
65 mph.
"And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," he says.
"Oh, really," she inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
"The airbag."

The Italian Golfer

An 80-year Old Italian man goes to the doctor the doctors amazed at what good shape the guys in, "How do you stay in such great shape?" I'm Italian & a golfer." "I'm sure that helps, but how old was your Dad when he died?" "Hes not dead!" "You mean you're 80 & your Dad's alive?" 100 years old, he golfed with me this morning." How about your Dad's Dad?" "Still kick'n." Your grandfather's living?" "118" "So, did he go golfing too?" "No. Couldn't. Getting married. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"

HOW TO INSTALL

A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and
Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't
mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way

So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

--Mac--

THE DEPT OF DEFENSE BRIEFED THE PRESIDENT THIS MORNING. THEY TOLD BUSH THAT 2 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS WERE KILLED IN IRAQ.

TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE, ALL THE COLOR DRAINED FROM BUSH'S FACE, THEN HE COLLAPSED ONTO HIS DESK, HEAD IN HIS HANDS, VISIBLY SHAKEN, ALMOST IN TEARS.

FINALLY HE COMPOSED HIMSELF AND ASKED "JUST HOW MANY IS A BRAZILIAN?"

To know that you dont know is true wisdom.
--Mac

"Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought."

--Henri L. Bergson--

"Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough."

--Josh Billings

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there"

--Will Rogers--

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

--Christopher Columbus

"We don't see the things the way they are. We see things the way We are."

--Talmund--

"Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution.

If you don't have any problems, you don't get any seeds."

- Norman Vincent Peale -

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

- Dr Wayne Dayer -

"The problem is not that there are problems.

The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

--Theodore Rubin

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

--Thomas A Edison

"When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on."

--Franklin D Roosevelt

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill -

"The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching."

--Dennis Green--

A classical conductor is short one trumpet player for an upcoming concert.

Every classical trumpet player in town is booked that night, so he has no choice but to hire a local jazz trumpeter.

At the first rehearsal, the jazz guy is early, prepared, and plays his parts

perfectly. The conductor thinks this must be a fluke, but is generally happy with the jazz guy. This behavior goes on for three more rehearsals, and the conductor is amazed.

At the end of the fourth rehearsal, he pulls the jazz guy aside and says "I don't normally like to hire jazz musicians because they are always late and never prepared. I want to thank you for showing up for all the rehearsals and doing such a great job."

The jazz guy replies, "Hey man, I figured it's the least I could do, since I can't make the gig."

--Mac--

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth;
not going all the way, and not starting.
-- Buddha--

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick them-selves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
-- Winston Churchill --

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

-Mac-

Teacher asks Johnny, If you have ten birds on a wire & you shoot one with a BB gun, how many would be left?

None said Johnny If you shoot one they all fly off!

NO, nine is correct but I like the way you think.

Next day Johnny asks teacher, If 3 women have an ice cream cone, 1 is licking it, 1 is sucking it and the other is biting it, which one is married?

Teacher says, The 1 thats sucking it!

NO, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!

--Mac--

Man walks into a brothel.

May I help you? asks the madam.

I want to see Valerie

Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies

Valerie says, I charge $10,000 a visit

The man pulled out $10,000 and they went upstairs.

Next night, the man is back.

No one has ever come back 2 nights in a row!

He pulls out $10,000 &gives it to Valerie.

3rd night, same thing.

After, Valerie says, No one has ever been with me 3 nights in a row. Where are you from?

Billings, Montana

Really, I have family there

I know. I regret to tell you your sister died. Im hereas her attorney. She left you $30,000 inheritance

--Mac

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How can you breathe through that thing?

--Mac

"The Music Business is a cruel, shallow, money trench where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs

There's also a negative side."

--Hunter S. Thompson--

Here's a sign for most businesses, these days:

"1. QUALITY-2. SERVICE-3. PRICE---

PICK ANY TWO."

If you want to find your song, hang out in the space between your thoughts.

-Mac

"A day without sunshine is like...you know... night."

Steve Martin

"A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

--Steven Wright

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

--Woody Allen

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

--Oscar Wilde--

"I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday."

--W.C. FIELDS

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that's OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." --Homer Simpson--

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

-Mac-

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

-Mac-

"Nobody ever goes to that restaurant...it's too crowded."

--Yogi Berra

"The problem with the world, is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

--Humphrey Bogart

"When she was good... she was very, very good...

But when she was bad... she was better.

--Mac

I know what you're thinking... "How can I be with the Love God Too?" Well... you can't, but the next time you're making love with your man... close your eyes, and think of me... because, somewhere, I will be thinking of me too.

--Steve Martin

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

--Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter: "Would you like a little more tea?"

Alice: "Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more."

March Hare: "Ah, you mean you can't very well take less."

Mad Hatter: "Yes. You can always take more than nothing."

--Lewis Carroll-

"I can resist everything except temptation."

--Oscar Wilde

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

--Steven Wright

Mortal: "What is a million years like to you?"

God: "Like one second."

Mortal: "What is a million dollars like to you?"

God: "Like one penny."

Mortal: "Can I have a penny?"

God: "In a second..."

-Mac-

"I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born..."

-Mac-

A guy says to his Psychiatrist, "I made a Freudian slip last night. I was having dinner with my Mother-in-law. I meant to say, Please pass me the butter, but instead I said, You Bitch, you've ruined my fu*king life!"

-Mac-

A man is in an elevator a woman gets on and says, "Can I smell your balls?"

The man says, "No." The woman says, "Well then, it must be your feet." -Mac-

Boyfriend: "Why do you never scream my name when you have an orgasm?"

Blonde: "Because you are never there."

-Mac-

A chicken & an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, rolls over & says, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"

-Mac-

Husband & wife are asleep. A man breaks in & ties them up. He whispers into the wife's ear, & goes into the bathroom. The husband says, "He looks crazy & dangerous. He could kill us! Whatever he wants, please give it to him! Be brave honey!"

The wife says, "He whispered in my ear not to worry, he's gay. He asked where the Vaseline is. Be brave dear!"

-Mac-

"Hey Mum! What's an orgasm?" "I don't know dear, ask your father."

-Mac-

TOURIST: "Have you lived here all of your life?"

LOCAL: "Not yet."

-Mac-

Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My most favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Can you raed this?

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.

That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

--Mac--

A man in South Philly calls his son in Florida two days before
Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls South Philly immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O

P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 1011 12 1314 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the top.

--A Child's Prayer--

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma And ESPECIALLY Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy

And ESPECIALLY Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy And ESPECIALLY Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants.

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found The Milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when hercell phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

Thefour GoldbergBrothers

The fourGoldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman,

Hiram, and Max, inventedand developed the first automobile

air-conditioner.On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was97

degrees.

The four brothers walked into old manHenry

Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary intotelling him that four

gentlemen were there with the mostexciting innovation in the auto industry

since the electricstarter.

Henry was curious and invited them intohis

office. They refused and instead asked that he comeout to the parking lot

to their car.

Theypersuaded him to get into the car,

which was about 130degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the

car off immediately.

The old man got very excitedand invited

them back to the office, where he offeredthem $3 million for the patent.

The brothersrefused, saying they would

settle for $2 million, butthey wanted the recognition by having a label,

'TheGoldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each carin which it

was installed.

Now old man Ford wasmore than just a

little anti-Semitic, and there was noway he was going to put the

Goldberg's name on two millionFords.

They haggled back and forth for about two

hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that justtheir first names

would be shown.

And so to thisday, all Ford air

conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, andMax -- on the controls.

http://www.facebook.com/mmccarty?ref=profile

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Michael-McCarty/190190232943

Teacher says to 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter.

Little girl says, "I had a kitty who stuttered."

Teacher, knowing this could be cute, says continue.

I was in the back yard with kitty. A Rottweiler came and jumped the fence!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It was! Kitty arched his back, went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...before he could say 'Fuck!' the Rottweiler ate him!"

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

2. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

3. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

4. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

5. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

6. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

Do you remember a few years back when the aliens came to earth,
and only spoke to all the intelligent people........?........................
Oh, never mind.

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop doin it then!"

"You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

--Michael Jordan--

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

(Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

-- Mae West

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance it is the illusion
of knowledge.
-- Stephen Hawking

That old law about

An eye for an eye

Leaves everybody blind.

The time is always right,

to do the right thing.

1. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

GOD IS SITTING IN HEAVEN, WHEN A SCIENTIST SAYS TO HIM, LORD, WE DONT NEED YOU ANYMORE. SCIENCE HAS FINALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY TO CREATE LIFE OUT OF NOTHING. IN OTHER WORDS, WE CAN NOW DO WHAT YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING!

OH, IS THAT SO? TELL ME REPLIES GOD.

WELL, SAYS THE SCIENTIST, WE CAN TAKE DIRT AND FORM IT INTO THE LIKENESS OF YOU, AND BREATHE LIFE INTO IT, THUS CREATING MAN.

WELL, THATS INTERESTING. SHOW ME.

SO THE SCIENTIST BENDS DOWN TO THE EARTH, AND STARTS TO MOLD THE SOIL.

OH, NO, NO ,NO INTERRUPTS GOD

GET YOUR OWN DIRT.

Divorced Barbie--
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?
The salesperson answers, Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco
Barbie for 19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.
The amazed father asks: It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

An interview with an 80-year-old woman -

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers?

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

-- George Jean Nathan --

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador: If they want to see me, here I am.
If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits.

1. Albert Einstein

Subject: 6th grade
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
Roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

-- Horse flies --

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper the trooper.

The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around, to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he wrote the ticket, he kept swatting at some flies that werebuzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, " yeah, if that's what they are... but, never heard of circle flies bud...."

So the farmer says, " Well, circle flies are common on farms.

See...theyre called circle flies because theyre, almost always, found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, " yeahright! " and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey! Wait a minute... are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no!Officer, I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though."

IF YOU ARE UNSURE WHERE TO GO, INCAPABLE OF NORMAL SPEECH OR UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE HERE,
OUR WELCOME WITCH WILL BE PLEASED TO HELP.

-- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Subject: Musical humor
C, E-flat, & G go into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, E-flat leaves. The C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Eventually, the C sobers up, & realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty & sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

_______________________________________________

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing,
he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph.
The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
She says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And he's a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
She pushes her luck. "I want the house," she says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," she continues.
65 mph.
"And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," he says.
"Oh, really," she inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
"The airbag."

__________________________________

The Italian Golfer

An 80-year Old Italian man goes to the doctor the doctors amazed at what good shape the guys in, "How do you stay in such great shape?" I'm Italian & a golfer." "I'm sure that helps, but how old was your Dad when he died?" "Hes not dead!" "You mean you're 80 & your Dad's alive?" 100 years old, he golfed with me this morning." How about your Dad's Dad?" "Still kick'n." Your grandfather's living?" "118" "So, did he go golfing too?" "No. Couldn't. Getting married. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"

HOW TO INSTALL

A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

I went to the gun shop for more ammunitionback in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way

So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

--Mac--

THE DEPT OF DEFENSE BRIEFED THE PRESIDENT THIS MORNING. THEY TOLD BUSH THAT 2 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS WERE KILLED IN IRAQ.

TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE, ALL THE COLOR DRAINED FROM BUSH'S FACE, THEN HE COLLAPSED ONTO HIS DESK, HEAD IN HIS HANDS, VISIBLY SHAKEN, ALMOST IN TEARS.

FINALLY HE COMPOSED HIMSELF AND ASKED "JUST HOW MANY IS A BRAZILIAN?"

To know that you dont know is true wisdom.
--Mac

"Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought."

--Henri L. Bergson--

"Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough."

--Josh Billings

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there"

--Will Rogers--

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

--Christopher Columbus

"We don't see the things the way they are. We see things the way We are."

--Talmund--

"Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution.

If you don't have any problems, you don't get any seeds."

- Norman Vincent Peale

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

- Dr Wayne Dayer

"The problem is not that there are problems.

The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

--Theodore Rubin

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

--Thomas A Edison

"When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on."

--Franklin D Roosevelt

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching."

--Dennis Green--

A classical conductor is short one trumpet player for an upcoming concert.

Every classical trumpet player in town is booked that night, so he has no choice but to hire a local jazz trumpeter.

At the first rehearsal, the jazz guy is early, prepared, and plays his parts

perfectly. The conductor thinks this must be a fluke, but is generally happy with the jazz guy. This behavior goes on for three more rehearsals, and the conductor is amazed.

At the end of the fourth rehearsal, he pulls the jazz guy aside and says "I don't normally like to hire jazz musicians because they are always late and never prepared. I want to thank you for showing up for all the rehearsals and doing such a great job."

The jazz guy replies, "Hey man, I figured it's the least I could do, since I can't make the gig."

--Mac--

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth;
not going all the way, and not starting.
-- Buddha--

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick them-selves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
-- Winston Churchill --

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

-Mac-

Q: How do you know when there's a singer at your door?

A: Can't find the key- doesn't know when to come in!

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house?

A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Teacher asks Johnny, If you have ten birds on a wire & you shoot one with a BB gun, how many would be left?

None said Johnny If you shoot one they all fly off!

NO, nine is correct but I like the way you think.

Next day Johnny asks teacher, If 3 women have an ice cream cone, 1 is licking it, 1 is sucking it and the other is biting it, which one is married?

Teacher says, The 1 thats sucking it!

NO, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!

--Mac--

Man walks into a brothel.

May I help you? asks the madam.

I want to see Valerie

Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies

Valerie says, I charge $10,000 a visit

The man pulled out $10,000 and they went upstairs.

Next night, the man is back.

No one has ever come back 2 nights in a row!

He pulls out $10,000 &gives it to Valerie.

3rd night, same thing.

After, Valerie says, No one has ever been with me 3 nights in a row. Where are you from?

Billings, Montana

Really, I have family there

I know. I regret to tell you your sister died. Im hereas her attorney. She left you $30,000 inheritance

--Mac

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How can you breathe through that thing?

--Mac

"The Music Business is a cruel, shallow, money trench where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs

There's also a negative side."

--Hunter S. Thompson--

Here's a sign for most businesses, these days:

"1. QUALITY-2. SERVICE-3. PRICE---

PICK ANY TWO."

If you want to find your song, hang out in the space between your thoughts.

-Mac

"A day without sunshine is like...you know... night."

Steve Martin

"A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

--Steven Wright

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

--Woody Allen

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

--Oscar Wilde--

"I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday."

--W.C. FIELDS

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that's OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." --Homer Simpson--

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

-Mac-

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

-Mac-

"Nobody ever goes to that restaurant...it's too crowded."

--Yogi Berra

"The problem with the world, is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

--Humphrey Bogart

"When she was good... she was very, very good...

But when she was bad... she was better."

--Mac

I know what you're thinking... "How can I be with the Love God Too?" Well... you can't, but the next time you're making love with your man... close your eyes, and think of me... because, somewhere, I will be thinking of me too.

--Steve Martin

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

--Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter: "Would you like a little more tea?"

Alice: "Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more."

March Hare: "Ah, you mean you can't very well take less."

Mad Hatter: "Yes. You can always take more than nothing."

--Lewis Carroll

"I can resist everything except temptation."

--Oscar Wilde

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

--Steven Wright

Mortal: "What is a million years like to you?"

God: "Like one second." Mortal: "What is a million dollars like to you?" God: "Like one penny."

Mortal: "Can I have a penny?"

God: "In a second..."

-Mac-

"I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born..."

-Mac-

A guy says to his Psychiatrist, "I made a Freudian slip last night. I was having dinner with my Mother-in-law. I meant to say, Please pass me the butter, but instead I said, You Bitch, you've ruined my fu*king life!"

-Mac-

A man is in an elevator a woman gets on and says, "Can I smell your balls?"

The man says, "No." The woman says, "Well then, it must be your feet." -Mac-

Boyfriend: "Why do you never scream my name when you have an orgasm?"

Blonde: "Because you are never there."

-Mac-

A chicken & an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, rolls over & says, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"

-Mac-

Husband & wife are asleep. A man breaks in & ties them up. He whispers into the wife's ear, & goes into the bathroom. The husband says, "He looks crazy & dangerous. He could kill us! Whatever he wants, please give it to him! Be brave honey!" The wife says, "He whispered in my ear not to worry, he's gay. He asked where the Vaseline is. Be brave dear!" -Mac-

"Hey Mum! What's an orgasm?" "I don't know dear, ask your father."

-Mac-

TOURIST: "Have you lived here all of your life?"

LOCAL: "Not yet."

-Mac-

Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My most favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Can you raed this?

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Mob Boss finds out that his bookkeeper stole $10,000,000.
He got the job because hes deaf, & would hear nothing to testify about.
The Boss confronts him about his money & takes his lawyer who knows sign language.

"Ask him where the money is."
Using sign language, the lawyer asks &
hesigns back, "I don't know what youre talking about." The lawyer tells the Boss, so he puts a gun to his head & says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell. Hesigns, "You win! The money is in a case, buried behind the shed in my yard!"

The Boss asks, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.

That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

--Mac--

A guy is driving and he sees a sign:

Talking Dog for Sale

He stops & the owner says hes in
the back.

He sees a nice looking Lab sitting there. You talk?

Yep. After the guy recovers he says What's your story?
Well, I found I could talk & wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. They put me in the Marines. I was in rooms world leaders, as a spy! Now Im retired.
The guys amazed. He asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

10 Dollars.

This dog is amazing! Why so cheap?'

He's a liar! Never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!

A man in South Philly calls his son in Florida two days before
Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls South Philly immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

Farmer and the

Pretty Lady
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"

-Greedy Lawyers-
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.<

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer.

"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!"

Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow...

com-for-ta-bull."

Easily Explained
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're Gay, ain't ya?"

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

-Female Comebacks-
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

-French Computers-
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.